Dear Mobile Device User,
We are happy to inform you that your physical security is of utmost importance to us.
You are why we do what we do. You are the reason we create products and services. You are the lifeblood of our service. Without you, we would have no purpose.
Your usage patterns let us know when you wake up in the morning, when you brush your teeth, when you use the restroom, when you get dressed (the first outfit was perfect), when you prepare breakfast, when you approach the drive-through window, when you are driving on local streets and highways (your texting pattern changes…something to do with speed — but don’t worry, we won’t report you for texting and driving), when you sit in your office, when you go out for a smoke or coffee break, when someone else tries to log into your device, when you start getting sleepy in the early afternoon, when you are heading home, when you drop your device (good thing you bought insurance), when you stop to pick up the groceries, when you prepare the evening meal, when you watch a show, when you get ready for bed, when you go to sleep, when you wake up in the middle of the night (we understand, our messages need to be read at that time too). Nothing prevents us from monitoring your every move 24 hours a day. We want to make sure you are safe.
And just to assure you that we have your best interests in mind, we make all of the information we collect available to third-party organizations. This enables them to provide you with the most current information at any given time of the day so you only see information that may interest you. We hate ads for sweaters when we are on vacation at the beach, too.
Oh, and if you are ever in trouble with law enforcement or under investigation for any reason, we will happily provide any information we may have collected from you to law enforcement. They keep us safe too. As long as we continue to collect all the information about what you do, we can ensure your physical safety.
So remember to use your mobile devices as much as possible. We would hate to lose track of you if you ever needed us.
Ben Halpert CISSP, is the editor of Auditing Cloud Computing: A Security and Privacy Guide. He is also the founder of the non-profit Savvy Cyber Kids, teaching our youngest learners safe and appropriate use of technology before they go online. Comments, questions and requests can be sent to him at firstname.lastname@example.org; please include SECURITY in the subject line.